Nutritional Information

So, you've got one piece of sandwich left...

"But Mommy, that one's been on the floor."

"That's okay," I say blithely, "I swept today."

"But Mommy, it has dog fur on it."

"You can lick the dog fur off. Besides, dog fur is good for you, it has fibre and fibre makes you poop. "

"Eating dog fur makes me poop?" (the eager tone is unmistakeable)

"Yes, yes, absolutely."

And the last bite of sandwich disappears with gusto. I feel a little bit like a fraud....

At The Pleasure of the Queen of All

My children are imprisoned (time out) at the pleasure of the Queen. One threw a hamper at the other, there was some pounding on walls, and I am just in too nice a mood to deal with such nonsense today. I got a good night's sleep and they are NOT going to spoil it! The House (mine) gets 10% of bets placed on how long it will be before the Queen deigns to free them.

Things You Should Take Note Of If You Are My Child

• A shower does not require half a bottle of shampoo, especially if Mama has already given you your summer haircut.
• If you tell me you have showered but I can still smell hockey hair when a foot away from your head, I will help you with a second shower and the water will be cold, since you used up the hot water in your first shower.
• Since you used up your entire bottle of shampoo in your first shower (on who knows what, since it was not on your head), I will use the flowery awful kind I got in the giveaway that time and you will have to go to school smelling strongly of cheap perfume.
• If someone asks you how the brothel was, I am not going to explain it to you.
• Did I mention the cold water?
• Because I am certain that I mentioned the cold water part before.
• And I know we've discussed the shampoo part before.
• In fact, you have had to use your allowance to buy more shampoo than you've been able to buy candy or toys.
• So the water? Cold?
• And the shampoo? Should still be in the bottle?
• Why, oh why, were BOTH of you so shocked by the freezing floral cleansing treatment?

Bye bye, boys!

I am apparently willing to drive four hours round trip for one night without children.

They were supposed to be picked up by their grandmother on Thursday for the weekend, so that I could go to a conference. And then she called and mentioned that if I wanted to drop them off on Wednesday afternoon, that would be fine too.

I could not get the words out of my mouth fast enough...

Now I feel just a little guilty. How eager should I look to get rid of my kids for the weekend?

Experienced WMs, help me.

Keynote From This Morning's Address

"FINE. Keep as many pairs of decrepit shoes as you like, as long as you put them away - where they belong - on your own. If *I* find them out while not on your feet, *I* will put them away in the trash."

My guess is that we'll be down to only the pairs of shoes of which I approve within the week.

Play with me

Mommy... come play with me... we can have a tea party....

(a tea party? huh? who are you and what have you done with my train obsessed boy?)

Okay. Hang on a second. You get everything set up and I'll be there. (lies, all lies)

Mommy, you need to come to the tea party. Everything is ready for you. I saved you the biggest cup because you're really, really big.

grrrr. okay. What are we having? (still on the couch, still on the internet)

Ice cream. Mommy, you need to really come and play. Not sit on the couch and pretend to play. You did that yesterday. Today, come and play with me.

Oops. Time for afternoon quiet time, kiddo.... let's go upstairs...

(I may have a small addiction to the internet, and maybe a small issue with playing tea parties)

Rhubarb? What The Heck Is Rhubarb?

Rhubarb is a stalky vegetable like celery, only less stringy and with bigger leaves. Rhubarb stalks are tender but crunchy and have a pungent, tart taste, like a good lemon or a puckery Granny Smith apple. Rhubarb is great baked into a pie (with or without strawberries) or stovetop cooked into a sauce that can be served over ice cream or a chunkier stewed form that's good on shortcake. Don't eat the leaves or roots, though, they're poisonous.