Friday, July 20, 2007

Just here to help

So I've been thinking I really need to jump into the fray here and contribute. Last night, as the girls ran roughshod over the house, I considered what I could share regarding my own ineptitude. As I was picking Sarah's pacifier up from a webbed, dusty corner, brushing it off on my shirt, sticking it in my mouth to be sure it didn't taste too weird, and popping it back in her mouth it occurred to me that I am actually the best mama ever.

This realization caused me to fret. How will I bond with these women, I wondered, when I am so clearly a superior matriarch? I considered the notion further as I was in the kitchen, granting Kate's request to have nothing but a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner - I threw in a fully charged juice box just because I really am that swell. As I brought Kate's food to her in the TV room and let her eat it while watching a movie instead of doing the cutting and pasting activity I'd suggested, I tried to think of any poor parenting I'd performed. Would it be fair to talk about their father's failings? He's had a few, I must say...

I had to interrupt my pontification to relocate Sarah, who I realized I hadn't seen in a solid 5 minutes. A brief search revealed that she was once again face-down in the dog's water bowl in the kitchen. Whew, at least she was nowhere near the outlets! I've long since lost the safety covers to those.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my conclusion - instead of being able to share tales of stumblings and errors, I will instead have to provide council and advice to all these other poor, wayward mamas. It's nothing to be ashamed of, certainly, not everyone is naturally endowed with flawless mothering skills. And that is why, no matter what, I will be here to help. I pledge that to all of you! Now if you'll excuse me I really need to call the pediatrician to get the list of recommended dentists again. I've lost it 3 times and still haven't gotten Kate in once. Not to worry, Kate has perfect teeth.


Joy, of course said...

Oh, this is just the best blog ever! What funny writers I am surrounded by!

I laughed and laughed at this post. Welcome aboard. We look forward to your guidance.

Epiphany Alone said...

Washing a pacifier in your mouth: 1 WMP

Peanut butter, jelly, and juice box in front of a movie for dinner: -1 WMP Particularly if it's what she asked for...though Karen might disagree because she believes peanut butter is the root of all evil.

Baby drowning in the dog bowl: 1 WMP

No outlet covers: 1 WMP

I don't think the delayed trip to the dentist deserves points. She's just turned 3, right?

Joy, of course said...

Yeah, I agree. No points for the delayed trip to the dentist. While I was taking Brandon (who has to have a crown) and Allison in, and scheduling my own fillings, they asked me if I wanted to make and appointment for Ben who is also 3. I said, Hmmm let's see. We have already racked up about $1000 in dental bills this month. I think we'll put it off another month...or year.

I mean really. Is it that big a deal if they get a cavity in a baby tooth. They just fall out anyway right?

karen said...

Seriously - how glad were you to finally find that pacifier?

I concur with Epiphany's scoring and think that we've all seen the gauntlet go down. The Worst.Mama.Ever might just be the best mama ever...