Monday, July 16, 2007

The worst Mom rambles on...

So, all joking aside, I am feeling depressingly like I deserve this title tonight. While I was getting dinner on the table, I heard Clara yelling at Ben and it sounded kind of far away so I went and checked. She was crawling halfway out the front door after Ben who had opened it and left (in his t-shirt and underwear of course.) I corralled him back inside quickly while hoping to avoid notice from the neighbors and calls to CPS.

And then no less than 5 minutes later when I was collecting the rest of the crew for dinner I discovered Ben with blood all over his face. After skipping a heartbeat, and much detective work we found out he had tried to shave his lip with his dad's razor. No joke. I feel nauseous even typing it.

Both of these scenarios were caused by doors not being properly secured (the front door by a child lock not reset by one of his siblings, and the razor thing by the bedroom door, which also has a child lock, not being pulled shut...potentially by me).

I have often heard people say they are surprised their child has made it to adulthood alive. I never understood this statement until Ben. That boy is mischief personified. I seem to be incapable of keeping him safe. Just this Saturday, before Clara's party, he pulled out a chair and stood on it to get scissors to set all the balloons free of their tiresome strings. The scissors were dull children's fiskars, not capable of real injury...but running half naked in the street or playing with razors, this is something to freak out about. And I have.

So once again I redouble my efforts at this new level of childproofing I have never had to attempt before. Because if I miss something he will find it.

Oh and on a lighter, less life and death note, last night he also colored on his carpet with marker. Crayola this time, that Allie left laying around. Washable unlike the permanent marker he decorated our bedroom carpet with. And the worst part is that he showed us his new drawing proudly when we walked in the room...

"Look Mom, it's a butterfly!" Apparently my punishment for the first marker incident had no effect whatsoever. Even after I punished him this time, he clung to me crying "But it's a butterfly". Such a strong spirit, this boy. I am at a loss as to how to handle it.

And in some cruel funny bit of irony, I lost my wine key. The only wine opener we have in this house is the old wine key I had from waiting tables 10 years ago. That's okay with me because I am quite good at using it and it fits easily into the drawer. But tonight, when I decided I really wanted that rare weeknight glass of wine. it's gone. Poof. I have no doubt I will find it one afternoon in Ben's matchbox cars, or under his bed, but for now it's with an empty glass that I toast my success at being the current reigning worst mama ever.

How depressing.
Edited to include this picture of Ben taken last night after the razor incident. Note the appropriately sad and reproachful look. This boy obviously knows a WME when he sees one.


karen said...
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karen said...

Take a step back, everyone, this is a DOOZY!

1 WMP for a kid on the street in his underwear.

1 WMP for your baby girl cheering her Underwear Cowboy-imitating brother.

-1 WMP for hoping to avoid CS - they can only improve your standings here...

1 HMP (Heroic Mama Point) for not passing out at the sight of your child's blood-covered face.

A bonus HMP point for not puking when you found out what he'd done.

1 WMP for the defeated child locks.

1 WMP for me - we never had child locks. We figured we would always leave them open anyhow, so we didn't bother to put any in. (We did, however, have outlet covers in ALL our outlets, Ging...)

1 WMP for leaving scissors where a child standing on a chair could reach them. Don't you know they should always be securely duct-taped to the ceiling?

-1 WMP for collecting all the balloons and retying the strings (which I know about from reading your other blog...)

1 WMP for not admiring the butterfly. You knew the Crayola marker would wash out! (Maybe what he learned from the first experience was not to use permanent marker?)

Final Tally for this marathon event:

Joy: 4 WMP, 2 HMP
Karen: 1 WMP

Send me your address - I'm mailing you a corkscrew.

Joy, of course said...

I am glad you responded. Your post had me laughing out loud, and a bit relieved I hadn't scared you guys away.

Have you noticed a theme here? Between Ben's smashed finger and shaved off lip, and Clara's battered birthday face, I am having a record week for mom-preventable injuries. I am feeling 2 inches big. Thanks for the smiles.

I see you somehow managed to eek a point for yourself out of my post though. Is that legal?

karen said...

You hadn't scared me away! I was just in the city for work yesterday and NJTransit has not yet answered my multiple Customer Suggestions to augment their trains with I had to wait until I was home to post.

karen said...

Oh - he did a good job on his lip! Poor kid! Those huge, sad eyes make me want to start shoving treats his way... :)