There are some days when the title of Worst. Mama. Ever. is funny--when you discipline your child, reprimand him for climbing on the piano, snatch him from the jaws of certain death, and he turns on you, either by saying you're the worst mama ever, or as is the case in my house lately that he's going to build a new house and live there and you can't come visit.
Then there are those moments when the title Worst. Mama. Ever. feels entirely appropriate. When in the darkest places of your mind, you truly believe that you are the worst mother ever. You wonder what the heck you're doing being a parent in the first place. What ever possessed you to think you could raise a child? Or two? And you count the myriad ways you're failing your children, not the least being that you've completely lost any semblance of patience for their small bodies and large needs.
And the stress of everyday life has become so great that you feel like you're absolutely drowning in it and if a small person climbs all over you one more time or screams out "MONSTER!" or leaves rice krispies all over the kitchen floor crunching through them on the way to the living room, you'll just self-combust and all that will be left of you are little pockets and wisps of anger, smelling like gunpowder. You wonder if you could sell your child on e-bay to the highest bidder, or consider a late addition to the foster care program, because simply put, you can't do this mama thing anymore; there's bound to be someone out there who can do it better.
And after the anger has dissipated, a chubby little hand pats your shoulder, a blond head finds your chest, a serious pair of blue eyes looks at you, saying, "I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm so sorry." No, my boys--I'm the one who's sorry.
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7 comments:
I needed that today. Yesterday was one of those days when I wondered when I thought it was a good idea for me to have children. I'm glad I'm not alone.
I have learned the hard way that my anger is NOT RATIONAL when it comes to my children messing up the laundry I just folded. I ahve had mroe than one "worst mama ever" moment over that. Now I know to expect it and deal with it, and remind my kids sometimes (humbly), "Honey, don't mess up mommy's clean laundry. You know mommy gets angry when you do that." But generally I just fold it when they are sleeping and I am alone, because, like I said, I am NOT RATIONAL about ti.
My child is not even breathing outside the womb yet, and I pretty much have a daily panic that I won't be a good Mama. I have two phenomenal examples in my mother and sister, but the doubt is still there. Hang in there, Spice Girl.
Oh gosh. It wasn't yesterday for me, it was Halloween and I was shrieking at the kids because I was torqued off that they couldn't sit still for ONE STINKIN' PICTURE when Lauren said, "I'm really sorry, Mommy," like you would to some person three times as big as you screaming in your face.
Before Lauren went to bed, she talked about all the great things we did, and how much fun she had...but all I could think of was how worked up I got about a darn picture. There was no earthly reason it was that important.
Yep. On board with ya'. Kyle spilled his orange juice all over the floor this morning b/c he was watching TV and not paying attention. Just like all males in my house. ARRGHHH. Sticky, expensive mess...OJ ain't cheap, even in FL. I yelled and ranted while wiping it up, threatening no more TV or OJ EVER! Then I get the LOOK, the hand on the shoulder, the blue eyes...the I'm Sorry, Mama. Of course he will get TV and OJ tomorrow.
It was yesterday for me too. It was yesterday when I stood in the middle of my living room and just screamed. Not words mind you, but a gutteral yell of frustration, impotence, and anger on the verge of being out of control. Then Clara started wailing in fear and confusion Ben said "Mommy, dont make that noise, it scares me" and I burst into tears.
But today is better. And today that part of me that I try so hard to stuff deep inside, is in fact no where to be found. Leave it to you Ging, to make me cry on your day.
Thanks for reminding us we are all in the same boat.
This? Is exactly why we are all here. Hang in there!
1 WMP for thinking about listing your kid on eBay; 2 if you were going to list him "no reserve".
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